Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
