there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
