$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
