There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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