this beer tastes like vomit already
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
