I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
