I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize