if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
