i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
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Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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