She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Randomize
