That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
