So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
