he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
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