I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
