I never want to see another naked old woman again.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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