Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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