I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
