1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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