you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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