Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
