remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
