just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
