And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
