My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
