I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
