A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
