Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
