If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
