so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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