Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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