There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
