i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
