It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
