i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
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