Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
You need Xanax blowdarts
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
