I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
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You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Every concussion has its silver lining
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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