things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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