we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
