i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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