his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
