Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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