I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
