bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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