we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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