Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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