i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
