sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
