Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
No I am not eating basil off your cock
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
