I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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