then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
