At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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