So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
