Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
