I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
