worst night to have a conscience
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
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I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
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Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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