yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
