Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
